Obituary for Promotion

Last updated : 22 April 2002 By Reverend Patrick Hill

Gone.... but not forgotten
Promotion was a quiet man who preferred not to meet the Scunthorpe public, he enjoyed trips to the seaside in Brighton and to a small town called Rotherham in Yorkshire.

Many Scunthorpe fans have claimed repeatedly over the years they could see promotion in the distance but then as they neared the figure they thought was him, they realised it was just Mr Disappointment yet again.

Mr Promotion's son will now reminisce his fathers years.

"I can remember the day my father began to decide where he was going to spend his summer holidays this year, he always went on holiday eleven times a year no more no less.

"He wrote a list of all of his possible destinations. He said he would definitely visit Manchester as he wanted to see a few days of the Commonwealth Games and he wanted to visit somewhere in the Black Country.

"Either Wolverhampton or West Bromwich, possibly both.

"After last years enjoyable visit he decided he would revisit Brighton as he loved the seaside and probably Reading as he wanted to laugh at their ridiculously oversized ground.

"He said he may also visit Stoke as he couldn't remember the last time he had!"

(This comment is greated with muffled laughter from the congregation)

"His final suggested destinations were Plymouth as he had built ships there as a lad, Luton because he wanted to see for himself just how bad the airport was and Mansfield as he wanted to visit the brewery!

Pissed off promotion
"He contemplated visiting Hull to see the famous Humber Bridge but on hearing the prices for crossing it, he decided to stay away and said he was so outraged that he wouldn't be visiting Scunthorpe either.

"It seems that this particluar town have their local authority to blame for promotion not paying them a visit this season.

"It remains to be seen whether his spirit will take this out on Boston United."

Brian Laws will now take to the stand, to reminisce over his time knowing promotion.

"He wasn't my friend! Well there was a time when we were on speaking terms, it was in 99, we were best friends, but then I admitted to him that I pissed myself before the Cup final back in my playing days.

"And then he accused me of doing it again before walking out as manager of Scunthorpe in 1999, I fiercely denied these accusations and told him it was Justin Walker who was responsible for that strong smell of Urine in the Wembley dressing room.

"But he refused to believe me and ever since then he has ignored my letters and my phone calls".

(At this point Brian Laws throws a plate of sandwiches at the coffin and runs away leaving a puddle next to the lectern).

Thank you for attending the funeral of Mr promotion everyone, have a safe journey home.

So there you go everyone, don't let anyone tell you its not Brian's fault for us not winning promotion because it is. On a more serious note, the buck stops with the manager and one promotion followed by relegation the following season after five seasons in charge is not good enough, Laws you have outstayed your welcome, now do the respectable thing and resign. LAWS OUT

Once again points out that these views are of our columnist and our columnist alone, although we may or may not have a controversial or non-controversial opinion on the man. At any rate, we laughed at this piece. Patrick's column can be read exclusively on every Monday.