Dear Brian Laws...

I am writing to ask you to fund a Valentine’s extravaganza for my girlfriend this year. The problems began when I decided that her first experience of Scunthorpe United would be the away game at Boston last Saturday. As you can imagine, I came within a whisker of being single on February the 14th and now have to pull out all the stops for the big day. Apparantly, John McCarthy was subjected to less torture during his captive years than the fate which met those who travelled to Royston Vasey for that game of ‘football’.

Whilst I’m writing, should it worry me that I am finding myself increasingly agreeing with you comments in the papers. First I agreed that Dawson should have been sent off against Wrexham, then I agreed that Cliff should have stayed on against Boston. Do you know a good doctor? Will my hair suddenly become fluffy? Will I start throwing plates of cold meat? Will I become only slightly less biased than Sam Allardyce? I need answers. Tell me now or I’ll make you strip in the car p…oh my God…it’s beginning.

And finally please, please, please can we beat Hull, seeing as how I work North of the river now (96.9 Viking FM, Mon-Thurs 10pm) and need a reason to act all smug and superior, oh, and an excuse to get a plug in this column, will you fix it for me?

Love and Hugs, Jim

PS. Advice to anyone reading; do not lie about taking your loved one to Boston, USA, when you fully intend to take them to Boston Lincs, failure to deliver often leads to disappointment…that and a kick in the bits.

If you live in Yorkshire or North Lincolnshire then you can currently hear Jim weeknights on 96.9 Viking FM from 10PM, we allow him to plug his show because allows us on air to plug ourselves. Which is nice.