This is despite mysterious claims by a source, known only as 'Adam Pearson, Chairman of Hull City and all of their supporters' that they were, in fact, top of the Premiership. Later, unconfirmed, reports also alleged that Hull are not even in the F.A. Cup. We await confirmation of this eagerly.
The news will rock the club, whose supporters have been duped into believing that they should be playing the likes of Liverpool and Manchester United. "But look at the huge stadium, you can't be telling me that we have to play Boston here" yelped Hull fan, Cleatus McToaster, with tears rolling down his stupid face, "We'll never fill it" he continued, stating the absolute, bleeding obvious.
As the day wore on, things got worse for the North Bank losers, the League confirmed that City were not only not in the Premiership, not only out of the F.A. Cup, not only in the Third Division, but were only just scraping the top half of the Basement table. "But our local rivals can't be Scunthorpe United, surely we must be playing our derbies against Leeds or Middlesboro" screamed another Hull supporter, Tyrone CuffLinkLegs. After putting this to the Elland Road club, we were issued with this statement, "Who?".
In order to get to the bottom of this murky world of lies and unsubstantiated boasts, Iron-Bru went to question Adam Pearson, Chairman of the THIRD DIVISION CLUB(*). This is the transcript:
IB: Mr Pearson, what do you have to say about the press release that states your club is not in the Premiership?
AP: Shut up poo head.
IB: Mr. Pearson, are Hull City in the Third Division or not? In fact, would you say that they are lower in that division than Scunthorpe United, the, and I quote many Hull fans, 'village team'.
AP: Bum bum bum, can't hear you.
IB: Mr. Pearson, let me put this to you. Hull City is a Third Division club.
AP: Takes one to know one.
IB: That doesn't even make sense, how can I be a Third Division club? I'm an investigative journalist.
AP: Just 'cos...
IB: Er...admittedly, it would take an investigative journalist to know another one, we all wear these hats.
AP: You look like a bum.
IB: Why are you standing in that dustbin?
So there you go, just like a Watchdog investigation, but not as smug. Go me. I rest my case, goodnight.
(*) In the interests of legality, this conversation may or may not have happened...well, OK, it probably didn't happen. Well, all right, it didn't happen. In fact, it's a pack of lies. I apologise.
Jim can be heard on 96.9 Viking FM from 16th to 20th December doing the 2 to 6 am slot (it's like a Breakfast show...for preople who get up really early). On Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing day from 10pm.